AWFUL FILMS # 1

Right folks, I've taken it upon myself (yeah, I have) to watch and review a pile of shitty films. This is what has become of my life. I have basically entered this zone where I can't work anymore, where I can't write stories anymore, where I can't do much anymore - all I can do is watch pure, unadulterated shit. Shit that stars Roddy Piper and involves a Frog Leader creaming his pants over some blonde lady. This is Roddy Piper:



The first film on the list is Hell Comes To Frogtown, the sci-fi-cum (omgpun) comedy that I ordered from Amazon 3 weeks ago. It took 3 weeks to arrive from Arizona, and I that 3 weeks of waiting was more interesting than the actual film. For example, I would make up scenarios in my head, on what would happen in the film - or more accurately, what I would like to happen. Here is a list of things I wanted: 1. A frog fucking a woman 2. A man fucking a frog-woman 3. Green frog blood orgy of violence 4. Rory Calhoun as a character called Looney Tunes. Well face-sit my fucking face and suffocate me, I only got one of those things. What a rip-off.

I put the DVD in the player and watched 86 minutes of Donald G. Jackson's masterpiece - and believe me, it is. Here is a selection of some of his other lesser known works:

Lingerie Boxer (1998)
I Like To Hurt People (1985)
Return of the Rollerblade Seven (1992)
Class of Nuke 'Em High Part II: Subhumanoid Meltdown (1991)

The film starts off well: there's a killing. Then it follows the actions of Sam Hell, played by Roddy fucking Piper, the star of John Carpenter's They Live. Great film. Sam Hell has to "fuck for freedom" and save a bunch of bitches from the clutches of Toty, a frogleader, in, believe or not, Frogtown.

The film is surprisingly entertaining, you know, for a film about frogs and fertility. We get a lot of softcore porn, tit shots, pointless ass-shots (welcome, naturally) and Roddy Piper's sunburnt chesticles. Where the film does fall down is on the action - there isn't any. We get a shitty fight scene at the end, and some crappy gun fight, but if you want action, Frogtown will leave you shortchanged my friend.

Also - what the fuck - we don't actually stay that long in Frogtown. We're there for like, 10 minutes. This is, frankly, preposterous. It felt like the film had only just got into its stride, them BAM - it's over. This upset me.

So yeah, there you have it. It's not terrible, it's not awful and of course, it's not great. It's worth paying the £2.45 I paid though. It made me and my Welsh housemates chuckle something awful - but then again, he laughed at Irreversible.

Just some little facts about Frogtown. Did you know that Sam Hell wasn't played by Roddy Piper in the sequels? Of course you knew that. You also knew that he was played by Robert D'Zar, the lantern-jawed baddy from Tango and Cash. He looks like Desperate Dan. Here is a picture of Robert D'Zar:

What really troubles me, is that someone asked for D'Zar's autograph. "Hi, oh my god, oh my god, Mr D'Zar, can you sign this for me?"

Of course he fucking will.

Night night.x